Horoscopes - The Special Triumphant Return of Madame Zombiehand

Aries

Your energy levels this month are low. It's something pretty complex in the world of Astrology, but you can bet your balls that it's important that can only be fixed with more caffeine.

Taurus

This month don't phunk with anyone's heart because Fergie will kick your ass if you do.

Gemini

Now is the time to get that TV show on DVD. That's right, The Second Season of Doogie Howser MD is coming out and the moon says it's just right. But keep in mind that Power Rangers SPD will fall in line with it so choose wisely.

Cancer

Let everything flow naturally. Don't keep things bottled up inside. If you do you could get a bladder infection.

Leo

A Bulgarian man will escort you in his taxi and will then give you half his brain. Not to mention your wife will have her brain put into a crappy android that is acted by a former mime. Try not to scream.

Virgo

The last thing you want to do this month is to go out for ice cream. Stay in and eat pickles. All day. That way you'll really succeed in being miserable.

Libra

Start wearing scarves a lot. Airplanes will be colder. So will auditoriums. And movie theaters will be colder too. Even outside will get colder. I think it's part of this thing called "seasons."

Scorpio

There's nothing to be done for the mole on your back, but you could probably disguise it as your new hump.

Sagittarius

It's with great regret that all your "Ants on a Log" will have no ants. You will only eat "on a Log"... and that means this is a bad month for that.

Capricorn

You're looking forward to Halloween already, which will be full of crazily dressed people, drunken fights and games and tons of alcohol to celebrate. So basically like any other party.

Aquarius

February is a long month: just eat enough conversation hearts to tide you over until Halloween.

Pisces

You again?! Can't you ever predict your own month? I mean, gosh, I suppose I can tell you your future but really, do I have to do everything for you?